As any of my friends could tell you, I am really annoying. This is not an accident. I have carefully honed this skill after years of living with younger brothers. Now, to perform the opposite of a public service, I will give those reading a beginner’s lesson in being annoying.

Part 1: Mild Verbal Annoyance – One on One

An effective way to annoy a friend, romantic partner or family member in a one-on-one conversation is to pretend you don’t hear something. When they repeat what they have just previously said, pretend you didn’t hear them again. Repeat until they stop talking to you.

Part 2: Mild Verbal Annoyance – Group

Don’t be intimated by the challenge of annoying a group. Several people can be frustrated quite easily through the following method: When someone negates a suggestion of yours, carry on the conversation as if they responded positively to your idea.

Part 3: Nonverbal Sustained Annoyance

If you successfully apply the two strategies listed above, eventually your friends will stop talking to you. Congratulations! You are well on your way to being a prick. However, this provides some new challenges; how does one annoy people who no longer speak to you?

The simple and elegant solution is contained in the proceeding steps. First, position your mouth at ear level of your colleague. (Fig 1) This is most easily done when the target is watching a television show, reading or sitting on the toilet. Once you are in position, breathe in through the mouth while utilizing your nasal passages. Successful application of this technique will sound as follows:

NEXT LESSON: I will teach you how to annoy your obsessively clean roommate. (Fig 2a, 2b)