I used to work at a talent agency whose roster included an actor from several old TV shows and made-for-TV movies. One day, I got an incomprehensible call from a lady speaking broken English, asking to speak to said actor. After refusing her adamant requests for me to directly connect her, I politely told her she could send fan mail to our office if she liked.

I thought I was done dealing with this woman, but the next day, the following appeared in the fax machine. (NOTE: I don’t have the original fax anymore, but I remember that I did copy it down exactly as written, including font, use of bold and underline, and spelling.)

DEAR SIRS,

WITH REFERENCE TO MY PHONE CALL TO YOUR GOODSELVES LAST WEEK, I SEND THIS MESSAGE WHICH I HOPE WILL MEET YOUR KIND ATTENTION.

I AM VERY FOND OF MR. STRAUSS, THE FAMOUS MOVIE STAR. I AM DEEPLY KEEN TO CONTACT HIM PERSONALLY AND I TRIED HARD TO FIND ANY MEANS BUT IN VAIN.

SHALL APPRECIATE IT MUCH YOUR TRANSMITTING TO HIM MY DEEP RESPECT AND ADMIRATION FOR HIS CHARACTER AND EXCELLENT PERFORMANCE IN AL HIS MOVIES. HIS PERFORMANCE SHOWS HE HAS MODEST AND HONEST CHARACTER.

I WOULD BE INDEED GRATEFUL IF YOU ALLOW ME THE HONOUR TO CONTACT HIM DIRECTLY. I AM KEEN TO HEAR THIS VOICE PERSONALLY, OR IF THERE IS A DIRECT ADDRESS FOR HIM.

YOUR QUICK RESPONSE WILL BE HIGHLY APPRECIATED.

BEST REGARDS,

AMANY MORRIS (EGYPTIAN AUDIENCE - FEMALE)

After I copied the text of the fax, I threw it away and thought no more of it. Alas, I was wrong.

A month or so later, Amany (Egyptian Audience – Female), called again DEMANDING to talk to the actor. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t speak with me, but instead my co-worker, who was far less forgiving when it came to screaming women ordering you to do things that would get you fired. Overnight, this gem appeared in the fax (the “gentleman” she refers to is me):

And I never heard from her again. So Amany Morris, an Audience from Egypt, Female, Crazy Lady, my goodself connot help but dedicate this to you: