In case anybody was interested or couldn’t catch it the first time, here are the lyrics to Hollywood A-S-S-T:
Yo, I’m an east coast transplant.
I dreamed that I’d land at
a job in Los Angeles.
I always planned that.
Workin’ at the agency
where all the best are.
Better than where the rest are.
Talkin’ ’bout the Death Star.
Management assistant,
but I’ve had enough you know.
Gotta find organic buffalo
for Mark Ruffalo.
Here for the summer
on an internship.
Get the coffee, read the trades,
but I don’t know shit.
Since I got on the lot you can always find me
rubbin’ shoulders with the suits in the commissary.
Take a lunch, get some bunch, have a schmooze and a mingle;
check me out tomorrow, yo, I’ll have my own shingle.
Chained to my desk like a pet by my headset,
dead set on my quest to get a better desk… Brett?
Working eight to eight, having no time to chill.
Making mad reservations for my boss at The Grill.
4.0 at Harvard but I’m currently just fillin’ in.
It’s thrillin’ but I’m sweating like a movie I’m the villian in.
Got giant A-list clients reliant on my silence…
slip up, there’ll be boss violence.
We’ve got mad loans / you know we rent but don’t own.
Can’t afford patron / only cook rice-a-rone.
But I won’t groan / bringin’ a gift basket home.
Eat a scone / and Toblerone / from Stallone.
New media, features and TV.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
No respect from the powers that be.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
Let’s get drinks
Mark it down on your calendar, yo.
And when the day arrives we’ll discuss where we should go.
Reschedule one time, two times, three times, four.
It’s been so long, don’t have to go no more.
Puttin’ faces to names at the industry mixer,
playing name droppin’ games while I down an elixir.
White 20-somethings in designer shirts and blazers
all spiking up their hair tryin’ to be like Brian Grazer.
I just got on a desk (but it’s not Brian Lourd’s).
I’m wearin’ fancy clothes (that you just can’t afford).
I’m lookin’ pretty (but your ride is really shitty).
If my drinks sees that shit, I’m not tappin’ that titty.
So I lie about my car, meet girls at a dive bar.
On Saturdays I club (cause my friend works at Ivar!).
I’m hungover Sunday, recover for one day,
then Monday I wake up and go back to the Death Star.
Sometimes I get these headaches and their caused by all my stressin’.
They’re worse then Brad Grey’s that he gets from David Geffen.
I’m loyal to my boss like my name was Dwight Schrute.
Cut me some motherfucking slack - shit, I forgot to hit mute!
Shit now, gettin’ called in to sit down
and get reamed out, listen to my boss scream loud
in surround-sound, gotta hear all about how
he’s got clout about town so I can’t clown around now.
You hear? The prexy of the mousehouse ankled.
The honcho of the alphabet had pilot season rankled.
Ten-percenteries found a new helmer and scribe,
nabbed a topper, tapped a shingle, that’s how they survive.
Kidvid we did had a boffo peacock preem.
Picking up this skein. You mean skein? No, its skein.
Unsure holdover perfs causing mad anxiety.
Man, you’ve been reading way too much Variety.
I just got a page on IMDB.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
I can’t leave my desk cuz I always gotta pee.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
Cause we’re rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ (what?).
Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ (what?).
Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.
What?!
Calls.
Ohhhhhhh!
You want me to do what? Book you a hotel in Reno?
Drop your kids at their summer camp in Encino?
Oil change on your nanny’s ‘85 Torino?
Christmas gift for Al Pacino?
Call up Wally’s, send some vino?
Need coffee for your general with Tarantino?
He wants a grande mocha frappuccino?
Shopping spree, yo, it’s obvious to see though,
you’d be so helpless without me.
So I run in to this loser that I knew from USC.
He tells me he’s a CE — what? How can this be?
He’s got a brand new office with a plasma and a Wii.
He’s got a new assistant and I think her name was Bree.
So I give Bree a call, and damn, she sounds choice.
Can she really be as sexy as she sounds in her voice?
Don’t be fooled by the voice / yo for reals, what he says!
Shorty sounds like Paris / but she looks like Perez.
My boss is getting mad at me, I can’t say that I blame her
spending all my time on Superficial and Defamer.
Tracking board peeps share the newest Youtube vid.
Nikke Finke’s latest post shows you what Scott Rudin did.
I Endeavor to make this Paradigm better
Put the finishing touches on this submission letter.
Who’s attached? Leave it unsaid.
Sincerely yours, dictated but not read.
I’m the guy at the gym on my Blackberry.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
My Jewish mother wishes I would get my MD.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
Friday night, crash a party up at USC.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
My P-touch needs a double-A battery.
I’m a Hollywood (what?) A-S-S-T.
33 responses so far ↓
1 Waldo // Feb 18, 2009 at 2:14 pm
cute. Nice job.
2 Emily // Feb 18, 2009 at 3:19 pm
This makes me want to cry and move back to New York. Good job.
3 DK // Feb 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm
You guys have no idea how viral this is going to go. At least among the people who matter.
Or maybe you do have an idea.
Amazing job.
4 katie // Feb 18, 2009 at 5:35 pm
im dyyyyiiiing - hilarious!
5 muntz // Feb 18, 2009 at 7:09 pm
holy crap…i hate myself now.
6 Eli Benavidez // Feb 18, 2009 at 7:24 pm
haha, it’s hilarious ’cause it’s true…
7 Sug // Feb 18, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Nice job, boys. Very clever.
8 T // Feb 18, 2009 at 8:44 pm
This only makes me hate my life more than I hate my life.
9 Immy // Feb 18, 2009 at 9:22 pm
This is RIDIC…totes loves it!
10 Liz // Feb 18, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Our Univ. of Texas educated daughter works as a Hollywood ASST. and sent this to us. Her Dad didn’t think it was nearly as funny as I did, probably because he’s still sending her money so that she doesn’t starve. However, I spewed a perfectly good sip of my martini all over my monitor, then laughed until I cried.
I hope you don’t mind if I include a link to this video for tomorrow’s post about our daughter on my blog. All the blogging moms I know will love this & maybe even make you more famous than you already are.
11 BEH // Feb 18, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Hilare!!
12 Brett // Feb 18, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Liz! Feel free to include a link - we put it up for sharing after all.
I’m glad I was able to make you laugh and best of luck to your daughter working out here in the trenches with us!
13 Tiffany // Feb 18, 2009 at 10:27 pm
HOLY CRAP! HILARIOUS!
It’s so true… makes it even funnier.
At least now I know, all of us assistants feel the same way.
14 Michael Heister // Feb 19, 2009 at 2:44 am
I love your work.
15 Ron // Feb 19, 2009 at 7:50 am
Brilliant.
You must have spent at least three days in the edit.
Nice camera work and direction.
There must be a cheque or a contract into the post for you from someone, somehow, somewhere …
16 Lisa // Feb 19, 2009 at 9:43 am
Terrific job, guys! I was an A-S-S-T about 14 years ago. I take it the job description hasn’t changed?
Good luck to you! And keep in mind A-S-S-Ts, it’s only temporary even though it feels like forever!
17 Alexandra // Feb 19, 2009 at 1:28 pm
This just made my day…actually my week!
Seriously it’s effin hilarious
18 Kugs // Feb 19, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Fuck yeah.
19 Anthony // Feb 19, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Great job guys! I really enjoyed. Wish Jay would do more stuff like this..
20 Becky // Feb 19, 2009 at 4:51 pm
THIS IS AMAZING!!! Great job!
21 Genna // Feb 20, 2009 at 9:36 am
Just fantastic…makes me miss it…I think…
22 TheSeoulite // Feb 21, 2009 at 3:54 am
thank you for the laughs. such good work i had to link it up to my blog: http://theseoulite.com/?p=2053
23 Former ASST // Feb 21, 2009 at 3:28 pm
As a former tenpercenterie ASST, I just about died laughing. Watched this 10+ times. “Shit, I forgot to hit mute!”
24 AP Girl // Feb 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Laughed so hard! I love this!
25 mzmarzy // Feb 26, 2009 at 9:14 pm
i so get this you dont even understand.
thanks guys!
26 liska // Mar 14, 2009 at 3:41 pm
omg, as a once ASST and hopefully never again, i spat starbucks i laughed so hard.
nice work guys.
and max, if you read this, i totally recognized you!
27 Tom Bryant // Mar 27, 2009 at 7:23 am
Fantastic! I tried to break into the industry in my 20’s, and all of this rings soooo true. (I got tired of being yelled at by someone I was much smarter than, so I ended up going back to school. Currently a grad student in fact.)
Plus its nice to see scetch comedy, something sorely missing from television today.
I will bookmark your site! Good luck!
Tom Bryant
Clemson University
28 Eric // Apr 11, 2009 at 1:31 am
This song is classic good. I need to use it in one of my games sometime.
29 JesDev // Nov 5, 2009 at 7:56 pm
ENJOYED! Especially about the resked…oh how I hate to resked. Thanks for the laughs, needed it today.
30 Heide // Mar 28, 2010 at 5:33 am
Nice job ! Super !
But, waht’s the meaning of “ASST” ? assistant ?
Thank you for this discover of L.A. !
31 SheassyDrerma // May 28, 2010 at 2:31 am
best mimicry of AAMIR KHAN, HRITIK ROSHAN,FARDEEN,SHAHID KAPOOR,AKSHAY KHANNA…i saw this and HAD to share with you guys!!!
[url=http://www.mydesizone.com/video/wOjcyunSGAc/BEST-BOLLYWOOD-MIMICRY.html]BEST BOLLYWOOD MIMICRY[/url]
32 Most Amazing Video if You Work in Hollywood – Viral Hit from Summer 2009 | The Daily Truffle | L.A. Natives, Hollywood Children & Los Angeles Royalty // Jul 13, 2010 at 6:06 pm
[...] Back of the Class made this GEM about “east coast transplants” in the “ASST” (read: assitant – the email addresses of assistants in Hollywood read the name of their boss with ASST at the email. ie. BryanLourdASST@caa.com) circuit – living to work for Bryan Lourd and living off gift baskets from celebrities their agents threw away. Scroll for lyrics. Dead on! A+ for Back of the Class! [...]
33 New Credit Card // Aug 16, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Powerful post.
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