EXCERPTED PASSAGES FROM MITT ROMNEY’S PERSONAL CAMPAIGN JOURNAL

By Jesse Porter

2 June 2011

Officially announced my candidacy today! Extremely eager to hit the campaign trail and share my message of fiscally-sound federal governance with the American people. Also looking forward to increasing voter awareness of how rich I am. One of the great joys of the electoral process is being able to impress people by anecdotally making reference to my tremendous wealth, and I can’t wait to start sneaking some folksy, endearing allusions to my huge personal fortune into my speeches. (For some reason, Matt and the rest of the team have been cautioning me against this tactic; I suppose they think we should save our best stuff for the home stretch.)

5 July 2011

Ann and I hosted a $5,000-a-plate fundraiser in New York today. I had this great quip where I went, “five-thousand bucks? I guess we made it in time for the early bird special!” but I’m not sure if anybody heard. Feeling particularly jovial after inhaling some stray vapors wafting off of my guests’ glasses of La Tâche, I decided to pay for everybody’s dinner, although it was subsequently explained to me how that sort of defeats the purpose.

11 August 2011

Suffered a bit of a setback today at the Iowa State Fair when a quote of mine was misreported as “corporations are people, my friend.” What I actually said was “corporations are people, many of whom I consider my friends.” I then began to describe the great sense of personal kinship I feel with so very many corporate entities due to the myriad interests we share – amassing capital, workforce restructuring, outplacement initiatives, business euphemisms, etc. – but the conversation unfortunately veered in another direction. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the fair, so much so that I attempted to buy it, but Matt told me it wasn’t for sale.

19 November 2011

I’m growing increasingly frustrated by Matt’s unwillingness to put to use any of the catchy campaign slogans I’ve recently come up with, such as “a nation of millions needs a President who has them,” and “fixing America’s balance sheet, so that it looks more like mine (i.e. really impressive).”

10 December 2011

I demonstrated my conviction and chutzpah to a debate audience this evening by betting Rick Perry $10,000 as to whether a certain passage was or wasn’t in my book No Apology. The debates have been getting awfully dry and procedural (“Governor, do you believe such and such?” I don’t know, what state are we in?), and I’ve been looking for an opportunity to raise the stakes a bit. My only fear is that the voters will look askance at the conservative sum I wagered, but the truth is that I have no idea whether that part was in my book or not; I should probably read it some time.

29 December 2011

As we flew over the Great Lakes this morning, Ann couldn’t stop pointing out how beautiful the clouds were. I paid her $25,000 to shut up about it, and she was good enough to oblige.

9 January 2012

Another quote of mine was misreported, this time when I said that “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.” What the media chose to ignore, of course, was that I qualified that statement by saying “…but only if I can replace them with someone overseas who will do their work for less.” Without the benefit of that addendum, I worry that voters will think I’m completely out of touch with how today’s economy functions. Having grown weary of being misrepresented by the liberal media, I attempted to buy it, but Matt told me it wasn’t for sale.

18 January 2012

I can’t help but suspect that Matt was somehow responsible for the disappearance of my favorite outfit – the green suit with the little money signs all over it – which I was planning to wear during tonight’s debate.

1 February 2012

May have made a misstep today when I attempted to strike a populist chord during an interview with Soledad O’Brien by saying “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” That’s a nice sentiment and all, but it’s more than a little dishonest. Of course I’m concerned about them. There are millions of them, and they all want my money. Thank goodness they aren’t allowed to vote.

3 February 2012

During a rally in Nevada today, a woman passed me her baby to hold – an adorable little scamp with the cutest dimples and the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. I was quite fond of the small tyke, so much so that I attempted to buy it, but Matt told me it wasn’t for sale. (Matt’s really been getting under my skin lately, and I’ve thought more than once about giving his pink slip. I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.)

24 February 2012

Matt tells me we’re getting a little bit of blowback regarding my comment to the Detroit Economic Club that “Ann drives a couple of Cadillacs.” Not sure how that could be misconstrued; surely they understood that I meant that Ann drives a couple of Cadillacs a day, on average, to and from the garage where we keep our real (i.e. imported) cars, after which the used Cadillacs are sold for scrap. (If anything, I was more concerned about the part where I admitted that I drive a pickup truck, although I’m confident that the members of the club also use pickup trucks to haul spending money home from their own off-site cash vaults.)

7 March 2012

The Super Tuesday results are in! I won several states, but the victory I’m most pleased by is my win over that spoilsport Matt, who had advised against my plan to outspend the Santorum campaign in Ohio by a four-to-one margin. “Ohio’s not for sale, Mitt,” he foolishly told me a few weeks ago. “And neither is the White House.” Oh, we’ll see about that.

@TheJessePorter

We’re thinking of releasing an updated version for 2012.  After all, much has changed on Facebook in those two years.  Here’s a rough version of the lyrics… let us know your thoughts!

My Mom’s On Facebook 2012

INTRO
There used to be a special place that always looked the same…
A sanctuary in cyberspace, but then it got really lame…
Why does Facebook go through updates all the freakin’ time?
My page looks like a mess because of this new redesign…!

VERSE
First they changed the settings so it’s hard to get e-mail.
Then Timeline came along and set a new standard for “fail.”
It feels like they do updates just to mess around with us.
It’s getting to the point I’ll have to switch to Google Plus.
(But not really…)

CHORUS
My mom’s on Facebook…
But it’s not that easy to use.
My mom’s on Facebook…
Zuckerberg just wants to confuse.
My mom’s on Facebook…
They threw these redesigns at us…
My mom’s on Facebook…
…and now she can’t find my status.

(etc.)

Yes, you’re correct! Jesse’s lab coat featured prominently in Trent Marwood: Health Products, while Max’s stethoscope played an important supporting role in My Mom’s On Facebook (can you spot it?). 

Due to the inspired recycling of these vital costume pieces, Back of the Class saved nearly $12.40 on the costume budget alone, which went a long way toward paying Borders the $1800 they charged us for one hour of exterior shooting.

Check back here soon to see if and when these dates will be rescheduled.

06/17 - @ Tres Picos Comedy Club in Albuquerque, New Mexico (with Joe Mande)
06/20 - @ Giggle Gulch in Tyler, Texas (with Picnicface)
06/22 - @ The Grand Old Opera (not to be confused with the similarly-named Grand Old Opry) in Lebanon, Tennessee (with Olde English)
06/28 - @ The Laugh Roaster in Midlands, Texas (with Waverly Films)
07/01 - @ Jerry’s Chicken n’ Comedy in Pensacola, Florida (with The Landline)
07/04 - @ Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, DC (with the 42nd Infantry Division Army Band)
07/11 - @ The LOL Comedy Dungeon in Belvedere, Ohio (with Rob Delaney)
07/13 - @ Funny Horizons Comedy Club in Endicott, New York (with Greg Giraldo)
07/19 - @ The Erie County Wastewater Treatment Facility in Girard, Pennsylvania (with Horsehead Businessman)
08/03 - @ The Ha-Ha Hole in Culver City, California (with Dane Cook)

We hope to see you there!

Next time, we’re actually considering just making the commercial, and not the actual product. What do you guys think? Is that cheating?

Within hours of being posted, Royce has already been featured on several political websites.  Our favorite thus far is this shout out on the French site ilovepolitics, which appeared under the headline “Royce Carver, le candidat qui veut tuer vos enfants” (“the candidate who wants to kill your children”).

“Dec. 4, 1989 today I dot no wet I am going to do”

6 year-old existential angst?